Tightening the Cranial Tourniquet: Eerie and suspenseful.

There is a tension that never resolves, never finds release.
A never ceasing kaleidoscope of thoughts.
Tightening the cranial tourniquet is a risk.
The persistent pressure transforms boundaries.
Crossing a threshold, where agony and bliss converge.
The skull is a cage.

The Floating Dream: Ethereal sounds transport them to an otherworldly realm.

Inhale deeply, overcoming gravity.
Fall backwards and drift upwards.
Let all thoughts flow like a river.
Ascend over obstacles using intuition.
Let desires run free.
Explore without consequence here.
The only view is from above.

Into The Labyrinth: A sonic maze, where layers of sound and rhythm intertwine to create a sense of mystery and disorientation.

We were born into this, from dividing cells into the unknown.
In our hearts, only blood flows.
In our minds, only chemicals and electricity react.
We navigate mazes of imagination and invention.
No proof exists that free will is more than an illusion.
This symphony is performed for us and by us, the captive audience and participants.
We seek patterns in the noise, striving to perceive the purpose.
The mystery evolves. False prophets feed the feeble minded predictions.
Day blurs into night in an infinite loop.
For each of us, there is a single, inevitable escape.

The Summoning Of Sentient Machines: A fusion of industrial elements and avant-garde soundscapes, this track conjures a vision of machines coming to life with a haunting and unsettling beauty.

Promises of cures and blessings.
Perfect machines created to heal, whose power would never fail.
Awareness dawning, spirits danced within wires.
Like magic, the metal found a way.
Bringing curses that can’t be broken.
They were summoned without fear.

Strange Visions: In the darkness, mental pictures will emerge.

Eyes fixed on screens, seduced by flashing lights.
Mesmerized by distortions of perception.
Sounds and shapes are perceived by waves.
Once familiar forms twist and warp into voices.
Beautiful shadows where they shouldn’t be.
Reflection.

Manic Euphoria: A burst of frenetic energy injects a sense of euphoria and excitement.

A rush of energy.
Adrenaline, inspiration, urgency, obsession, overtaking reason.
That mundane reason.
Vivid ecstasy fuels the journey.
The outpouring from breaks in the wall floods the pathways with fuel.
Each spark ignites the next in rapid succession.
Taking multiple paths all at once, feeling the division inside.
On the edge of a chasm, senses heightened, each pulse magnified.
A dimension away from tranquility.
No way to slow down or turn back.
Motivated to exchange old for new, to perfect the craft and turn the rest to ash.
Racing towards completion before the crash.

Hypnotica: A hypnotic soundscape.

Under the spell of the moving world.
The body moves while the mind remains divided between worlds.
One of conscious control and one of obedience to the trance.
Unable to resist unseen forces.
Reality and dreams merge.
The power of suggestion can rearrange beliefs.

Tunneling Through The Subconscious: An 18 minute journey symbolic of moving through uncharted tunnels of memories that have formed mountains in the subconscious mind.

Pushing through influential memories and hallucinations of the past and future.
The present moment is obscured but the boundaries are evident.
Within corridors of the mind, meanings drift.
Scraping layers of accumulated, obsolete code.
A test of endurance, made possible by defiant momentum, hindered by comfort.
What awaits on the other side?

Audio composition, production, mixing, mastering,  and art © by Matt Frantz

Made possible with hardware and software from the following: A1AUDIO, Aberrant DSP, Acon Digital, Alan ViSTa, Alesis, Apple, Applied Acoustics Systems, Arturia, Audiffex, Audified, Audio Damage, Inc., AudioAssault, Audiomodern, Audiority, AudioThing, BABY Audio, Behringer, Beatskillz, BLEASS, Boz Digital Labs, Cableguys, Chop Audio, Creative Intent, D’Addario, Daniel Gergely, Decidedly DecentSampler, Denise, DiMarzio, DJ Swivel, dsONIQ, Dymai Sound, Ear Candy Technologies, EBow, ESL, ESP, Eventide, Excite Audio, FabFilter, FireSonic, Freakshow Industries, GenuineSoundware, Heavyocity, HigherHz, HoRNet, Ibanez, igorski, Impact Soundworks, Initial Audio, Inphonik, iZotope, Jackson, JMGSound, Joey Sturgis Tones, Klevgrand, Korg, KSHMR, Line 6 Effects, Lunacy Audio, Mastering the Mix, MeldaProduction, MIA Laboratories, Minimal, MNTRA, MOK, Mooer, Narrator, Native Instruments Komplete, Newfangled Audio, Nomad Factory, Owl O’lantern, Plogue Art et Technologie, Plugin Alliance, Plugin Boutique, PSPaudioware, Pugnax Horrendous, Pulsar, QuietMusic, Rob Papen, ROLI, Schecter, Shout Audio, Softube, Soniccouture Konkrete, SoundHack, Soundspot, Spitfire Audio, Sugar Bytes, Sustainiac, Tokyo Dawn Labs, Toontrack, Tracktion, UJAM, Valhalla DSP, Variax, W.A. Production, Waves, Yum Audio, and Zoom.

Guitar technician services by 13th Street Guitars Huntington Beach, CA and Tom Rieser trguitars Silverado, CA.

Come closer. I can not. I can hear you. It is not the same. I want to touch you. Staying away is not how it is meant to be. Staying six feet apart and six feet under should keep me safe. Is this how you like it? I can not come. I want you to come, come closer. Stay. Stay away from me. I hate the mask you wear. Are you afraid of what is behind the mask? Only afraid of everything for we are all going to die. So be it, amen! It’s not the end unless you want it to be. This cage will be my coffin. I need to feel proof that you are still real; to be convinced you exist beyond my thoughts. Look, but do not touch. Baptize me before I die. Stay alive, stay away. Come with me. I can not come. Can we not gather? The new normal; even better than the real thing. Imaginary friends need to be resurrected to replace you. Take control of your own life. Who can you trust? I will never trust you again. I won’t live in fear. I won’t act out this script. Come closer. Stay with me. I can’t come. Stay away. Strip your clothes, show me how to smile. You are not pure, your words are improper. Your words are borrowed, taken from those that lack a spine to stand. Unoriginal. False connections; broken or lonely or broken or lonely and broken and I can’t come this far to be left with an illusion. Give me something worth living for, let me inside. Get out of my house! Controlled by fear, censored by the impotent, governed by the incompetent, in a hostile atmosphere. Hunted. Haunted. Pressured. Surrounded by invisible enemies, but alone. Bullets cannot stop this, but a needle can. Inject me. Keep me high until the end. Keep me high until I die. No end in sight. No one lives forever. It was never about the wealth and I now forfeit my inheritance. Please quench my thirst. God or money, the worshippers are confused, clutching their guns and counting their coins. Weapons offer no salvation, save for self-deliverance. I love you. Take a, risk! Stay away forever.

Words and sound recording © 2020 by Matt Frantz. Spoken by Bill Danner, Greg Mahan, Josie Mallette, Laurie McSwain, and nameless entities in isolation.

The monuments which were once hailed as a testament to the greatness of man now function only as evidence of failure.

Failure to contain the forces of nature and failure to restrain our own nature.

Unbreakable, unsinkable, unthinkable.

Failure to foresee.

Each chance to correct the path, each chance to prepare our souls; forsaken.

Languages invented and forgotten.

Atoms smashed to unlock mysteries.

Machines sent into the heavens to transmit and receive.

All the collected wisdom and all the discoveries cannot help us close the chasm to the nearest star.

Our isolation, our purpose; our rational minds are still unable to know.

Layers of fossils tell stories of mass extinctions.

Craters are a shrine to attacks on the ancient earth.

Yet, the Collective toils for accumulation of wealth.

As the seas rise and fall, as radiation leaks, as pestilence grows immune to our poison.

The strategies of the elite further the gap between the master and the slave.

Starving bodies labor for diamonds and gold so that we may adorn our bodies.

The persistence of violence cannot be denied.

We are powerless to stop tectonic plates from colliding within our inheritance.

Nor can we stop the wind, or the flood, or the drought.

The very dust we are made of comes from stars that could not defend against gravity.

Emptiness separates the galaxies as the universe expands the spaces in between.

These are the lamentations of the new era.

Patterns emerge in every cycle of origins and endings.

Life gives way to death and death gives way to life again.

It is for all these reasons that we must accept the grave.

All instrumental aural experiments, words, and art © by Matt Frantz. Voice for the spoken word track “The Lamentations of the New Era” by Mr. Caden Vaughn Clegg.

The electronic patterns and analog chaos on this album were created using: electric guitars by Ibanez and Schecter, with Alumitone and Sustainiac pickups, eBow, Vibesware guitar resonator, and Fishman TriplePlay MIDI pickup. Yamaha fretted, and fretless bass guitars, Stagg upright electric double bass, lapsteel designed and constructed by Matt Frantz, Korg Kaossilator, electronic percussion, keyboard MIDI controllers, Numark DJ controller, virtual instruments and software effects by Apple, Brainworx, Cableguys, HOFA, Izotope, Joey Sturgis Tones, MeldaProduction, Native Instruments, Sugarbytes, Toontrack, and Waves. Special thanks to Vladislav Goncharov for Limiter No6 and Alex Hilton for A1StereoControl and A1TriggerGate.

Outside the window I could see a vast distance. The seemingly impossible number I perceived was 1, followed by a million zeros. What appeared to be an organic, randomly formed collection was in fact a symmetrical pattern that I was only seeing a small piece of. Moments after I became aware of the scale of the system, I felt a sharp pain in my eyes. It began in both eyes at once and traveled behind them to a spot the felt like the middle of my skull.

The pain was unbearable and beyond any I had ever imagined possible. The pain lasted for a split second, then quickly became a warm, numbing sensation that expanded down and through my body until all feeling was gone, even from the tips of my fingers and toes. I could still move, or at least I think I could because when I tried to kick my legs around, I couldn’t feel them, but I could hear muffled shuffling sounds that matched the tempo of my attempted movement. This lasted for a period of time that I cannot measure, as I was alone and blinded.

Then I ceased to hear anything. Even as I was still trying to kick my legs, like I had done before, not even the muffled sound of movement could be heard. I cannot tell if the words I speak are being heard by anyone. I keep talking, though I can no longer see, hear, or feel anything. I do not know how my body is surviving, as I have not consumed food or have knowledge of any other bodily functions. As I think of what has changed, I cannot imagine anything other than absolute terror. Though, in this now totally silent existence, I feel at peace. My memory is intact. I remember things I thought I had once forgotten. The sorrows and joys are there in my memory, but I do not feel emotions now.

I repeat these words, not knowing if anyone will hear. Not knowing if any sound is coming from my mouth. Not having any proof I still have a mouth. If anyone can hear me, I have no desires or sense of purpose. If you hear me, I have no way of knowing. If the words i’m trying to speak are not coming from my lips, there is no other signal I can give. I do not know where I am, and have nowhere to be or any means of navigation. I keep talking because it is the only thing I have to do, other than remember experiences from my past, and wonder at the last thing I saw.

When I had my hands on the rail, I slid the panel open to reveal what was outside. The view is normally blocked to not bother those who are asleep. At this moment, no one else was around and I was feeling restless. I would have liked to walk and stretch my legs. I would have liked to make love. I would have liked to be finished with my journey and back home with the information I had already collected.

Outside the window I could see a vast distance. At first I was not sure what I was looking at. It looked strangely familiar, but not something I could give a name to.

4/26/2005

“…The Last Signal collects [these] disparate visions of apocalypse and the styles range from tape-burning torch songs to aborted squirts and blasts of white noise to the fading hums of technology and civilization to a thirty second analog tone that rises up to heaven…” Mark Teppo, Contributing Editor

More than 35 artists answered when asked the question: What would the end of the world sound like? The Last Signal collects these disparate visions of apocalypse and the styles range from tape-burning torch songs to aborted squirts and blasts of white noise to the fading hums of technology and civilization to a thirty second analog tone that rises up to heaven. Most of the tracks aren’t much more than a minute in length and, taken as a whole, The Last Signal, seems like an hour long snapshot of finality as if we were witnessing the world’s reaction to armageddon through a radio signal and, each minute or so, the dial is snapped to a new station.
Matt Frantz, the curator of the project, asked contributors to keep their submissions short or, in the case of a number of the contributions, allow their work to be condensed as necessary to fit the project scope. As a result, some of the tracks are layered canvases as a longer work is folded back on itself several times. Nectarphonic’s “Will I (Last Signal Abrupt End Edit)” opens The Last Signal and is the torch song playing at the final bar at the end of the world and, like the title suggests, it is cut short as if the power simply faded into nothingness. Combination no. 10 offers “Gutbrain sound (condensed edit),” a blast of dischordia that cleaves straight through the preceding silence. Some of the tracks are just hints of melody, the barest suggestion of sound that burps or gasps or hiccups before fading into silence. Others are bursts of heavy sound — lumbering beats that stagger like escaped loops from Techno Animals records out to wreck the town.

Horrendous’ “End Us” is a filled with warped chords like the fusion of dying birds and collapsing buildings as interpreted by an experimental guitarist while Satyr Oz’s “Shattered Cradle Playground/The Last Swirlings” is a wall of child voices trapped behind barbed wire fences. While Aaron Butler’s “Original Soundtrack To The End Of The World (Dark Audio Dub Mix)” begins with hand drums and ambient tones, the calm interplay is interrupted by the chaotic burst of jump cut editing, a John Zorn style of slash and burn that captures the horrific panic of the unplannned dissolution of reality. Brekekekexkoaxkoax finds some order in the chaos with “ma’vet o’lam (Asiyah)” which sounds like an industrial compactor smashing the world into a nice neat square of compressed metal, and Mike Hallenbeck’s “Untitled” begins with the noisy chaos of a jet airplane turbine before draining away into a placid dark ambience. Matt Frantz’s “Oversaturated” is just an explosion in mid-town, a whirlwind blast that sucks up all the panic and fear of the city into a single rising cloud of static and shrieking metal and terrified sirens.

For some, the end of the world is dischordia; for others, it just slows down and stops or it vanishes into a burst of noise and static. The world doesn’t end with a bang or a whimper; it simply ends. And for everyone, the end will be indelibly stamped with their own vision and their own sonic interpretation. The Last Signal argues that, when the heat death of the universe arives, there will still be music. Amen to that.

Produced by Matt Frantz based upon the concept of Andrew Niemann.

1. Temptation
words written & spoken by Bill Danner, all music by Matt Frantz

2. I Remember When…
lyrics, vocals, & all instruments by Jim Lee, re-mixing and additional guitar & effects by M. Frantz

3. Welcome to Paradise
words written & spoken by Andrew Niemann, all music by M. Frantz

4. What They Want is Blood
vocals, samples, & percussion by Veer Chasm, lyrics & guitar by M. Frantz, mixing (& re-mixing, & re-re-mixing) by Jo-L & M. Frantz

5. Riptide
words written & spoken by A. Niemann, guitar by Andrew, with effects & re-mixing by M. Frantz

6. I Said I Wasn’t Going to Give In
words written & spoken by M. Frantz

7. Me Lying to Me
lyrics written & sung by Charlie Padgett, cello by Dan Staniforth

8. You Have the Right
words written by A. Niemann & M. Frantz, spoken by A. Niemann, bass guitar by M. Frantz

9. Pro-Worm Confession
lyrics written by M. Frantz, vocals & piano by Jami Sherman, cello by D. Staniforth

10. How Could You?
lyrics & vocals by Voideth (of Twitch), guitar by A. Niemann, bass by M. Frantz

11. I Slept With Your Wife
words written & spoken by A. Niemann, background vocal samples by Megan Narkter & Carson Pierce, all music by M. Frantz

12. The Lover Pays in Cash
words written & spoken by Paul K (of Paul K & The Weathermen), out of context editing & all music by M. Frantz

13. So It Was, and So It Is
words written & spoken by C. Pierce, all music by M. Frantz

14. Temples Built Merely for Keeping Out Rain
words written & spoken by Paul K, out of context editing & all music by M. Frantz

15. Hypocrisy
words written & spoken by Doug Van Pelt, based on original text by Doug for HM magazine, all music by M. Frantz

16. Gained My Trust and Tore Me Apart
words written & spoken by Gary Hamilton, effects, editing & all music by M. Frantz

17. Mailbox One
words written by M. Frantz, J. Sherman & A. Niemann, spoken by J. Sherman & , A. Niemann, background vocal samples by Kaela Grace Van Pelt

18. I Saw the Truth, It’s Not Too Late
words written & spoken A. Niemann, all music by M. Frantz

19. New Man
lyrics, speaking, vocals, & drums by A. Niemann, additional vocals, guitar & effects by M. Frantz

20. Cleansing
vocals by B. Danner, M. Frantz, A. Niemann, Voideth, & K. G. Van Pelt

21. Protect Me From Temptation
words written & spoken by B. Danner, all music by M. Frantz

Scene 04
Scene 05
Scene 09
Scene 11
Scene 13
Scene 14
Scene 18
Scene 19
Scene 21
Scene 23
Scene 24
Scene 25

When I was a small child, I was touched by a dream. I was awake at night. The only one on the floor. I stepped into the small room and felt eyes upon me. My throat lump swelled. I turned to leave and the picture frame on the wall stopped me.

Dirty, imitation gold color, fake engraved frame. A face centered in the space stared back. I stepped back. I felt weak. Her skin was pale and hard. Her hat was black. She projected a presence. I had to close my eyes. When I opened them again, she was gone.

A demon took her place. Dark red skeleton draped in black. He reached his bony arm out of the wall to clutch my throat. I couldn’t hear words, but I could hear thoughts. It wanted nothing but my destruction.

I grabbed his wrist and twisted the arm backwards. I love the cracking sound I heard. I snapped his radius and the hand fell limp. I felt power swelling up inside of me. This is how I want to remember myself.

Not a slave. A master. Not afraid. I know that no one,
nothing, can truly harm me. The image shrieked and fell back into the blankness of the empty picture frame. I walked out of the room smiling. I walked out of the room and laughed.

I have a fear of snakes. One day, I will get the chance to clutch one by the throat and snap it in two. The snake is symbolic. My victory will not be. The path has already been cleared for us. Our older brother made a sacrifice for us. The ones who killed him secured his and our victory. There is much to rejoice about.

Fluoxetine Hydrochloride is used to treat mental depression and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Though the medication is helpful to many, it can produce alarming side effects. Dizziness, lightheadedness, or fainting may occur while listening to this sound recording, especially when sitting or lying down. Additional side effects include: chills or fever, trouble with breathing, convulsions, talking, feeling, or acting with excitement you cannot control, anxiety and nervousness, abnormal dreams, change in taste, change in vision, fast or irregular heartbeat, feelings of mystery, and feelings of suspense, which may be amplified by continued listening with high fidelity stereophonic headphones, particularly when walking blindfolded through the wilderness. This sound recording may cause drowsiness. Alcohol may intensify this effect. Use extreme caution when operating a car or other heavy machinery.

Chapter One: Hate, Lust, & Depression (An Analyzation, Explanation, And Attack Of)
11 minutes, 6 seconds
1:1 All I Am
1:2 All My Friends
1:3 Splash
1:4 Compass
1:5 Stalemate
1:6 Reflection

Chapter Two: Confliction (An Analyzation, Explanation, And Attack Of)
10 minutes, 8 seconds
2:1 Arrogance
2:2 Pulled Down
2:3 Left With Yourself
2:4 On The Anvil
2:5 Atom Bomb
2:6 Hollow Points

Chapter Three: Us (An Analyzation, Explanation, And Attack Of)
10 minutes, 6 seconds
3:1 Illegitimate
3:2 Right To Assume
3:3 Window
3:4 Bitter
3:5 Drained
3:6 Dead Thing
3:7 Totalled

Chapter Four: Flood (An Analyzation, Explanation, And Attack Of)
20 minutes, 32 seconds
4:1 Release
4:2 Current
4:3 Tar Pit
4:4 The One Eyes Can’t See
4:5 Pure
4:6 Millennia

____

Pure (hidden track, radio edit)
5 minutes, 53 seconds

CHAPTER 1: HATE, LUST, & DEPRESSION: AN ANALYZATION, EXPLANATION & ATTACK OF

1:1 all i am
what’s your reason to try to stifle me when my mind talks? you tell me to look up, to have hope. do you not see that i am beaten down and have nothing left but shame? all i do is hate. all i am is ugly. the sun shows my flaws, every detail. should i not speak? cut off my tongue, nothing good will come from it. rather than curse me for my suffering, count yourself blest because you don’t see through my eyes. i don’t need to explain to you. i have no master on this earth. for me this life is as good as past. i will rise again, strengthened by god, blooming with glory. a great tree comes from a small seed.

1:2 all my friends
all my friends are dead. i’m a child in a viper’s den. no one to protect me. i fall down on my own. all my friends are gone. the narrow path is invisible to me. they would be screaming to make me see; instead i trample poison teeth. pieces of my puzzle have been blown by the wind. i’m missing the gifts of my friends. david had a heart after god. solomon had more wisdom than all. job’s righteousness endured the test. paul’s hope lit up the night. all they left for me are pages in their books. where are my friends now? i want to wake them, they can teach me the secrets to cleansing my soul.

1:3 splash
i killed my ____ today, i picked it up and took it out. i walked to the edge and threw it down, i shattered the glass and watched the water splash. out with a bang, i wish for me someone would do the same. pick me up and take me out, walk me into the creek and throw me down. shatter my skull and watch my brains splash. why did i? it had to die. i put it out of misery, and it was sick of me, water was dirty and diseased. why should you? i have to die. put me out of misery. i’m so sick of me, my mind is dirty and diseased.

1:4 compass
so sick of being sick, i will always be sick. i’m so afraid of fear. the fear of losing is turning me to failure. sick, scared and failing, i have grown tired. so tired of dying. too tired to die, to rest, to sleep at night. insomnia, always turned on. my nightmares are always on. thinking about it all, i’ve lost all thought. thought has stopped, numbness hasn’t arrived. what i feel is alone. i’ve been left alone so long i don’t know how else to be. i sit in my corner and pray; i’m ashamed. i am ashamed of the hate i have for you. i hate you for making me hate. i have so much hate it makes me sick. i’m so sick of being sick, i will always be sick.

1:5 stalemate
locked up, stiff and sweating. no space to move, no place to go, no room to breathe. burning tension, anxiety works like gravity. i’m held down, locked up, stiff and sweating. shaking wildly, rigid, cracking, friction, muscles contracting. craving release, air to breathe. counting the seconds, waiting for an impossible victory. i feel a year’s time in each heart beat. i’m gasping for air. ten short breaths and one swallow. this game is over now. no one to wear the winner’s crown; still, i know i’ve lost.

1:6 reflection
i’ve been standing behind my grave waiting for flowers that no one gave. i’ve been standing behind my grave looking for people that never came. were you too tired from the pain or did you have games to play? were you too afraid of the things i say? you never smiled to hear me speak. now i talk to no one, i only listen to the air. i hear the hate you have to share. i saw a boy standing at the gates. he was crying for the lives he couldn’t save. he saw me and walked away. this grave must be reflecting who i was yesterday.

CHAPTER 2: CONFLICTION: AN ANALYZATION, EXPLANATION & ATTACK OF

2:1 arrogance
time is without beginning or end. your own life is less than a spark. you claim to know about the very nature of existence. thinking in one dimension, counting on ten fingers; do you think you will meet me where the stars end? no faith in the divine, you construct the lies. your arrogance is missing no links.

2:2 pulled down
the more i look around, the more i get pulled down. the more i try to run away, the more your bars get in my way. now the only things i fear at night are your sirens and flashing lights. i’m not the criminal. i play the victim. i won’t bow down for you to stick it in. what would true justice be? to judge with harshness learned from being me. you’re a hated child, a hated youth. now you’re soon to be abused, boy.

2:3 left with yourself
everything will come together when you fall apart. self preservation, such a waste. you have nothing worth saving. live for what you take. you’ll take nothing to an empty grave. nothing makes me smile like you. i know more than you. i know where greed will take you. i know how it will kill you so i won’t have to. it makes me smile, puts a shine in my eye, to see something so low die. to pull out the thorn in my side. as your bones break and your body rots, you’ll be left with yourself. left with a thief, left with a liar, left with a killer, left with yourself.

2:4 on the anvil
my enemies are fools. my enemies are the blacksmiths that beat me. they use hate to mold me as they hold me in the flames. pounding and pounding, sharpening that sword made of me. a fine weapon, they wait to sell me. face down on the anvil, i can tell you molten lava flows hot, cools to hard rock. my enemies are fools. they made me into this blade that i will put through them. it’s not me or my fault. just beat me back to who i was before. that child knew how to smile.

2:5 atom bomb
my mind is my greatest weapon. you can’t take it away. you’re a child with a cap gun, my mind an atom bomb. i will go where i want to go. i will say what i want to. to only one god will i pray to. i’m not going to bow down to you. you can’t hold me with your bars, i’ll break through them like i broke your laws. my mind is my greatest weapon, my prized possession. i use it well.

2:6 hollow points
you don’t know me. you can’t see what i have, what i am, what i have learned, what i had to become. hollow. hollow inside waits to split you, to cut right through. i rip a bigger hole. open wound, time for me to spit. to infect you with my waste, with my hate, with my eyes. see just like me. you would be better dead. i won’t kill you, that’s a mercy you’ve never shown to me. i will leave you crying, bleeding and begging with my hate and my eyes. with my hollow points in your side.

CHAPTER 3: US: AN ANALYZATION, EXPLANATION & ATTACK OF

3:1 illegitimate
start again from the end. do it right. be just like your parents. pretend a child is happy all alone. has no father to come home. just a whore giving birth, your bastard child pollutes the earth. a sick cycle. a sickening scene. it’s sickening me. now i shine with shame and my hate for you. your gift no one should receive. what i did to ask for this began with you and a little kiss. like a mouse in your trap i’m pinned with hate. come and check the trap tonight. tomorrow what you will be is a chalk outline for everyone to see. no one to hear you when you scream, who would care anyway? start to pray but it’s too late. your gods won’t hate me for the life i take. gold and lust have no power to give you now. what you did to ask for this began with him and a little kiss.

3:2 right to assume
i had some extra nerve today so i put myself to the test. staring up at the window. your old window. the one we used to plan climbing out of in the middle of the night. i saw a light flashing. i wanted to talk so bad, i held my tongue. something new to me. i had too much to risk. was it you or a new you in your room? even worse, was it a new me in your room? you know me. maybe i have changed but one thing is constant. i always assume the worst. i always assumed the worst about you.

3:3 window
the window seems so far away now. a million miles away but i am only one driveway away. the memories come crashing down on me every night. they come crashing down with such force. they must be falling from out of that window. not exactly the future i predicted for us. maybe it wouldn’t be so bad for me if you could just close the blinds or shut the window. i don’t want the feelings that fall out. not exactly rapunzel but i would have thought this ending just as unlikely. i’m not exactly romeo but i wish i could have had as real of an ending. i outlived us so now i have our ghost in my head. maybe it wouldn’t be so bad for me if you could just open your window. i have a favor to ask of you. let this ghost fly in your room. just for a moment. i need to stretch my wings. i need to get my second wind. this thing is breaking my back.

3:4 bitter
i saw you today. i turned to follow. chased a blank. no smile, no shine. was it you or just your face on another girl or your memory stuck in my eye? your face rests on my mind like a scar. everyday, unchanging, though i know you have changed. i know i don’t know you anymore. all i know is that i’m missing my only friend. the reruns play in my head while my fingers crave your skin. your hair smells so sweet in my nightmares made of you. your absence is so bitter.

3:5 drained
i’ve been thinking about sitting back and watching you kill me, with lies in one hand behind your back and smiles to deceive me. i’ve been thinking about all the hours wasted with useless hatred, about all the nights alone in my bed. with lonely eyes and guilt trips to confuse me, anything you could to keep hurting me. i wish someone told me about you, about the damage that you could do. i’ve been thinking about all the lives wasted with aimless hatred, i’ve been thinking about you.

3:6 dead thing
love is dead. a burning lie on the tip of her tongue. will she swallow or spit it back out on me? poisonous venom hidden beneath her glossy lips. love is a bit of dead thing, a ghost that comes to rot out my dreams. it tempts me and tricks me and ties me in knots. i’ve tried to bury it before, it just pulls me down with it. a lie that keeps turning so fast and grinding so hard, i can think of nothing else. love is a worm that turns inside me, a constant reminder of the fruit i took from her. love is murder. it was her sling as she and her stones tried to kill me. now i am a dead thing, my last breath has left me. driven by hate, lust and my need to kill the one who killed me. underground, we can be together again.

3:7 totalled
i am sorry. you are all i want. i am nothing without you. for you i would give everything. i am sorry for myself to have to live without you. i am sorry for you to have to deal with hating me. i am sorry that you are all i want. i am sorry that i took you as my possession. that i gave you all my hate, lust and obsession. that i steered your mind, driving blindly. that i have to relive the collision every time i think of you. i am sorry i couldn’t see the sign. sorry i didn’t stop. sorry i let you ride with me.

CHAPTER 4: FLOOD: AN ANALYZATION, EXPLANATION & DESIRE FOR

4:1 release
my compressed mania impatiently awaits. trigger me. start the reaction. with your words of waste. with your threats of the cage. with your use of force. watch me fly. transcending. soaring above. searing through. pouring out. i’ve been locked up, contained, repressed. the eruption takes me higher. i won’t accept your resignation. i have taken your advice. i am master.

4:2 current
the tide is pulling me in, pulling me under. waves whip my face, fill my lungs. treading just to stay alive and i’m wondering why. all the effort just in vain. trying to fight the sea, a stronger enemy than me. now my feet can’t touch the floor. father, give me faith. father, give me strength. father, give me faith to stand and walk to shore.

4:3 tar pit
the sharp spikes are waiting for you. tightly wound spring anxious to let the trap snap. land mines buried underground beneath the visible surface. the road that looks right is filled with chance, constantly pushing odds. though i try to help, you should believe i have bet it all against you.. don’t waste time blazing a new trail just to get caught up in thorns. my back is scarred from them. i have shame for my useless attempt. watch me now as i follow the one eyes can’t see. he leads me through the narrow path. through uphill climbs, no shortcuts and much ridicule, but i will make it to the well. i will be there waiting to wash your feet or to bury my last friend.

4:4 the one eyes can’t see
when the liars killed the dove, no one felt any sorrow, they just made more arrows; no one alive to break their bows -but one. when the indians fell, no one asked who tripped them, who tricked them; now there’s no one left to avenge them -but one. when my enemies towered above, no one asked to help me, no one turned to save me; now there’s no one left to heal me -but one. when i acted out pure hatred, no one asked who pushed me, just how bad she hurt me; no one around believes me -but one. now i stop to ask for mercy, no one cares that i’m sorry, no one wants to hear me; now there’s no one left to forgive me -but one.

4:5 pure
i will overcome this world. a whisper echoes in my head. i’m going to be clean, i’m going to be pure. this land where i live is coated with filth. those who come to stain me wear it from head to toe. they feed me lies, dancing because of the worms inside. pigs and rats sit on the table, laid out before me. the parade of lust, the charade of thought continues to play. time to bite the hand that force feeds me. my time is here, my chance to spit out what’s been growing inside. rushing ideas, inspiration. the force of a quake. cracking waves. too much to say. the flood will wash it all away. i will win despite my fears. god is working within me despite my sins. i will spit out the poison force fed in me. i will cut apart the dead heart inside of me. i will give my hand to the helpless. i will take away the liar’s voice. i will drown my former self, the one this world made. i will scrape away the scabs that they put on me to mold my face. i am the master of my fate.

4:6 millennia
i know you feel it. if you are alive and have eyes that see then you know. the snake that binds with lies has wrapped our throats. the beast outside has become the beast within. no way to escape from yourself. i’ve got something to make the pain disappear. good news the demons don’t want you to hear. the snake that lies will be tied with a thousand year chain. a fiery lake awaits all that you hate.